taotrooper: It's a polar bear dancing the hula; your argument is invalid (Stock / Wings on your feet)
Kiri ☂ ([personal profile] taotrooper) wrote2012-04-15 07:23 pm
Entry tags:

100 things mythology [002/100]

Since you guys seemed more interested in learning Norse, we'll go focus on a bit of Norse too. So let's go with the beginning, literally the beginning. Creation myth!

Warnings and triggers: A bit of gore and gratuitous violence, sweaty armpits, and cows with a licking fetish.

In the beginning, there was only three places and they were boring and terrible as hell. Except hell still didn't exist, but there was no need because they were all unbearable to stand. We had the Southern lands, Muspelheim, which were made of fucking fire. Then we had the Northern lands, made of fucking ice, called Siberia Niflheim. In the middle like a very boring Ecuator, this was this abyss of nothingness called Ginnungagap (funniest word ever). But really, I'm kinda suspecting these people were actually describing Icelandic weather in real life.


Of course, eventually some of that ice hit some of that fire, and it melted. Condensation happened, and this giant made of ice called Ymir was born in Ginnungagap. First being into existence. He didn't have a lot of things to do because everything was boring, so he took a nap. While he was sleeping, he was sweating as deodorant didn't exist either. The sweat on his armpits and feet became the frost giants.

Armpit sweat. It's like something out of Ren & Stimpy.

But he wasn't the only condensed being. There was suddenly also this cow called Audumla. Her milk made four delicious streams, and Ymir and one of his sweat-sons that had six heads drank for it. But what did Audumla eat herself? It was a fucking abyss full of ice, duh! Salty ice, probably because sweat. Ewww.

So Miss Cow licked the ice, and one day she finds hair under it. The next day, there was a full men's head. On the third one, she had licked a dude out of the ice stone. Meet Buri!

By N. A. Abilgaard (1790)

Buri is important because he had a son called Bor (I have no idea how), who had three sons too (with a giantress). The three sons were Odin, Vili or Hoenir, and Ve. You might've heard of the first one, possibly?

So yeah, the three brothers didn't like Ymir. Maybe because he was gross. Maybe because he was cruel. Maybe because they were bored and wanted to kill something. Doesn't matter, because they went and slayed that motherfucker down. He bled so much, there was an universal flood and only two frost giants survived or something.

Let me soften the next post's descriptions by adding a LEGO reenactment

And now they had a gigantic corpse to dispatch. But that's okay, Odin saw the potential of recycling and decided to build the rest of the universe with his brothers with Ymir's body parts. Gross. In the next post, the gruesome details of how shit got made (because I want to make a spiffy visual guide.) Also, an explanation about the Nine Worlds and the Goddamn Huge Tree in the middle of it all.

Bonus: The LOL HOLY COW thing isn't a Scandinavian exclusive. It's part of the theory of a Proto-Indo-European religion, meaning there's a lot of mystical cows to be sucked around the world.

...Speaking of which, what the hell happened to that cow? They didn't mention her anymore.

To be continued...

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