The Iliad (III)

[taotrooper]

A new convention: using a different font to indicate made up dialogs that didn't happen. I went overboard this time.

Book III

In which Paris' uselessness is demonstrated

So last chapter we were left off on the Achaeans (Greeks) following Zeus' deception and about to randomly attack Troy. I was hoping it was going to be a massacre, Leeroy Jenkins style (and Agamemnon going 'at least I have hot chicks'?). We didn't even get a full battle, though, but lots of things happen, there's a fail duel, a deity is stupid, and a douche is totally humiliated by everyone ever. So, it was a great chapter, actually!

Humans

Achaeans
→ Agamemnon: King of Mycenae and boss of the Greek team. Douchebag.
→ Menelaus: King of Spartaaaaa, Helen's husband. Hates to be dumped; douchebag.
→ Odysseus: King of Ithaca. Smarter than he looks like.
Trojans
→ Hector: Prince of Troy. Doesn't take bullshit from his younger bro.
→ Helen: Pretty woman and Living MacGuffin. Can't make up her mind.
→ Paris: Prince of Troy who thinks with his penis. Coward loser and douchebag.
→ Priam: King of Troy. Likes to check dudes out.

Gods

→ Aphrodite: Goddess of love and porno. Is stuck as Paris' babysitter.
→ Apollo: Renaissance god. Doesn't really appear in this chapter.
→ Ares: God of war. Doesn't really appear in this chapter. Supports Menelaus?
→ Iris: Messenger goddess. You've got mail!
→ Zeus: King of Olympus. Doesn't give a shit right now.

~*~

We left off with the Trojans going outside to give a welcome party to the Greeks, and by party I meant "kick them out with sharp objects". The weather was all foggy and the Trojans were doing impersonations of cranes and this is supposed to be relevant. Man, guys, do something. Don't just stand there in the middle of purple descriptions.

Oh, by the way, Paris is front row in the reception wearing a bitching battle outfit and looking godlike. Looking godlike, you say?

BACK TO THE PRO-TROJAN PART OF OLYMPUS. IT'S TIME FOR DIVINE EYE FOR THE MORTAL GUY

Apollo: Seriously? Seriously? I'm not saying he looks bad, but calling him godlike is giving us a bad name.
Ares: Yeah, combining spears with a bow is lame.
Apollo: I like the bow, actually. Not crazy about the spears, though. Can he even use them or are they just accesorizing?
Ares: He's so going to need those when Menelaus kicks his ass till next century! And three more arms!
Apollo: And what is up with the leopard skin? Who wears those anymore besides Dionysus? So, so tacky on him.
Ares: Not exactly badass material, copying a god of fucking wine.
Apollo: Are you stupid? No, unlike Paris, Dionysus actually IS pretty badass. But nevermind that, I'm saying the leopard skin makes Paris look fat and even less godlike. What was he thinking?
Aphrodite: Boys, stop picking on poor Paris! I disagree with you. He looks soooo handsome and hot~
Ares: Baby, you're just defending him because he called you the most beautiful.
Aphrodite: That's a good enough reason!
Apollo: I noticed how you didn't compliment his physical strength or fighting talent, however.

I'm really annoyed Paris is also called Alexander sometimes. That's my brother's first name. That's my middle name, in female Spanish form. S-sob.

But back to the things actually happening. As soon as Menelaus sees the creep who stole his wife, he is all "HOLY SHIT YAY!! :D" and happily runs to him with happy killer intentions. Paris drops his smugness and is all "HOLY SHIT NO!! D:", then runs to hide behind his people's backs. Really. Literally. The dude backpedals out of fear. This looks promising! And not godlike at all anymore.

Apollo: THAT'S WHAT I WAS SAYING.

Hector sees this cartoonish reaction and starts to insult and lecture him. I don't blame him, because after all they're in this mess of a war because of Paris, so the fact he's such a selfish coward and all for show is really insulting to the whole country. Plus, if the Trojans weren't shy, Hector would bet they would've stoned Paris to death a long time ago. Haha, oh wow! Nobody likes Paris, not even his least douche brother. So basically, what was left unsaid: Just face your consequences, you dickhead. And I'll add: You're representing the Trojan douchebaggery, so at least be an arrogant brave douchebag like the rest. Paris' reply is an a "yeah, I know I suck a lot, but you don't have to be so mean about it". Okay, so in the end he agrees to challenge Menelaus to a duel and the winner takes the MacGuffin lady and big bucks. Hector is pleased and runs to tell the Greeks about it. Both sides are pretty much sick of the war so they're all for it, and they prepare for the public oath that, of course, includes a sacrifice for Zeus. Once again, he won't give a shit but let's not spoil their fun.

In the meantime, Iris goes to Helen's place (disguised as her sister in law, you know how it is). And she tells her that her men are about to literally fight for her right now. Helen is then filled with nostalgia for home, her hubby, her parents. So, she's rooting for Menelaus...? I wish this was this easy to figure out.

Helen goes out with her maids and hangs out with her non-father in law Priam. And they start gossiping as Priam decides to point at the interesting looking Greeks and ask her their names. Because otherwise, Helen would woe on how much of a whore (yup, she calls herself a whore) she is for dumping her husband and daughter for such a loser and she wants to die. So gossip it is!?

Priam: Who's that dashing, tall guy who looks like a king? He's hot.
Helen: ...Are you seriously checking Agamemnon out? Oh my gods, eww. I mean, he's cool but I didn't know you were into that...
Priam: That lucky bastard. I once met a lot of dudes from his land, but no one was this cool. How about that guy with a hairy chest and broader shoulders?
Helen: That's Odysseus. He's really cunning.
Priam: Trufax. Once he and Menelaus visited as ambassadors, and Odysseus looked like a dumb hick staring at his feet. Then he opened his mouth and we were all DAYUM! THAT GUY CAN TALK! and we forgot your husband was even there. And who's the huge hottie over there?
Helen: Greater Ajax. We have two so we have to nickname them like this to keep them apart. And before you ask, the one over there is godlike Idomeneus--
Ares: Here we go again...
Helen: --and I don't see my brothers Castor and Pollux, I guess either they didn't come, or they don't want to fight because I embarrass them, or they've already turned into the Gemini constellation.

Hey look, the battlefield is already set to go! Hector and Odysseus toss a helmet, which is the hardcore equivalent of tossing a coin or something; first it's Paris' turn. So let's check out the fighters. Paris does what he does best: overdress himself so he doesn't look like a loser on first sight. But nevermind that, it's Divine Eye again.

Apollo: Now that's better. He got rid of the tacky fur coat and now he's wearing a nicer armor. Glad to see he borrowed good gear. I like the silver clasps in the ankles. The feather ponytail in the helmet is so last century, but I can live with that.
Ares: Of course, those things won't prevent the can of whoopass that's coming on his way.
Apollo: Oh absolutely! The guy is so obviously going to lose, I'm not bothering to consult my oracle database.
Ares: 1000 dracmas on Menelaus!
Aphrodite: Fuck you guys.
Both: YES PLEASE.
Aphrodite: You're supposed to be taking his side! Hello? You're with the Trojans? Oh, forget it. If no one else is going to protect him, I'll go.
Ares: Good luck, honey.
Apollo: He's going to need it!

So Paris and Menelaus stare at each other for a while. The audience stares at them for a while. Wait, I thought I was reading the Iliad and not watching Dragon Ball Z! After a while, Paris throws his spear and it bounces on Menelaus' shield. Then Menelaus does the same and he goes through Paris' shield like it's butter and barely misses flesh because Paris dodged in time. Menelaus reaches for the sword, but when he hits Paris' helmet it shatters in three or four pieces. The son of Atreus sees what u did thar, Zeus. But even if the main god is not helping, he jumps at Paris and drags him by the helmet, its leather strap choking his neck. Oi, Aphrodite, it's a Quick Time Event! Press X to not have him dead! The goddess breaks the strap, leaving Menelaus with an empty helmet. He throws it to the audience for souvenir and picks up the spear again. So what's your next move, Dite?

> Fight
> Magic
> Item
> Run

...That's so lame, Dite. Wait, I thought this was a boss fight! Why is escaping the battle even a menu option?! Either way, she makes Paris vanish in a ninja mist, and she leaves him in his own scented bedroom (*smells* Cowardice, by Calvin Klein). But you know, this is Aphrodite we're talking about, and she's not going to leave him bored and hidden under the blankets. Let's have him get laid!!! Which is, you know, the whole reason this war is happening anyway. Seriously, Aphrodite, no wonder they think you're a bimbo. Instead of taking him out of the battlefield to play Barbie and Ken porn right now, the correct solution would've been to help him to win. You just ruined Zeus' plan, he was all for Paris winning! If Paris had won, the Greeks would've left, Troy would be rocking, your protegé would be considered competent, and Paris and Helen would have had sex forever without anyone bothering them again. Instead, you just let the war continue and fucked them to hell. Not that you're listening to me, since you went to fetch Helen for his sexytimes. Augh.

Aphrodite: Pst, your lover is in his bedroom and looks really hot with his silver clasps on.
Helen: That's sexy. No, wait. You cruel bitch! You just want to deceive me and give me as an award to your next protegé, or even worse, take me back home! Even though I wanted to go back half an hour ago! Just go and fuck Paris yourself and leave me alone!
Aphrodite: What the hades is wrong with you?! I'm a fucking goddess! Just go or I'll have you killed horribly!
Helen: ...derp. *goes*

Wait, I thought she wanted to die and/or go back home? Anyway, she goes to the bedroom. And what does she say to her pretty lover? "You should have died there by my husband's hand. You bragged so much, so why don't you face him again, you sissy? Wait, no, you'd totally die then."

Dude. Dude. Even his dumb, borderline bipolar girlfriend is rubbing the fail in his face! OMG, this is hilarious XD I mean, they still fade-to-black sex afterwards, but this is amazing anyway. Nobody likes Paris.

I want to know what the hell happens in the battlefield now that the weakest link is MIA, and Homer listens to my plead. Menelaus doesn't suspect that, right now, Paris is yet again doing his wife instead of, you know, dying already. So he's beyond pissed and looking for him between the crowd, like this was a magic trick where the magician disappears and then suddenly the camera changes and he's in the back of the theater? Must've been like that, surely. But to no one's surprise, the possibility of a Trojan hiding him was incredible low because remember, everyone in this country loathes Paris. They assure Menelaus that if they ever found him ducking below a seat, they'd be the first ones to hand him over in a silver plate. Yup, absolutely nobody likes Paris.

Agammemnon takes this as a last chance to have a line in the chapter, and starts yelling that it's obvious that Menelaus won (can't argue that, it's win by default). So, hand over the lady and my our compensation! All Acheans are all "FUCK YEAH GREECE!" Oh shit, look what you've done, Aphrodite.

Zeus: Why didn't you two do something to stop her, again?
Apollo: We're not really in this chapter, dad. It's all in rainmage's head theater.
Ares: Don't look at me, I fucking love wars.