Journey into Mystery

In my eternal search for well-written mythology butchery fiction, I might have stumbled into what might possibly become this subgenre's very own Twilight. Just the description really, really, REALLY annoys me in several areas.

→ They paid HOW MUCH for this?! To a newbie, no less. Man, either this woman writes like a god, or it's very Meyer-esque with Romeo-and-Juliet shit they recognize it's automatic cash cow. I lean to the latter, knowing the YA industry.

→ The Iliad in High School. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN.

→ Making a novel about a reincarnation of Paris/Helen, which is just terrible in general.

→ This then begs the unfortunate question: should she be with the boy she loves even if it means endangering the rest of the world? LET ME GUESS, IT'S GOING TO BE THE CLAMP WAY, ISN'T IT? Instant resolve not to read this ever.

→ pitched it as "a Percy Jackson for teenage girls"

...........................there is SO much wrong in this sentence.

Noonononono. No, dammit. You know what is Percy Jackson for teenage girls? IT'S PERCY JACKSON ITSELF, YOU ASSHATS!! Titular boy aside, this series is filled with amazing and BAMF teen girls to look upon! And there's a balanced male-female hero ratio, so there are many to choose from. And even more amazing? Many of them get love lives too! So being in wars and dating isn't mutually exclusive, and they don't get to risk the world for Soulmate Hottie like this Helen chick who just sounds kinda psychotic if you ask me.

A new convention: using a different font to indicate made up dialogs that didn't happen. I went overboard this time.

( Nobody likes Paris )

In an act of pure masochism, I've decided to read and review Homer's magnum opus of mythological douchebaggery. I'm not unfamiliar with the Trojan war, since there's always a summary chapter in every Greek mythology book. Any time I try to read any Homeric novel/poem/thingie though, be it this one or The Odyssey, my eyes get all glossy. Nonetheless, I just found an easier translation and somehow it's more understandable than the usual wall of teal deer fancy text that makes me want to claw my pupils out. I also insisted to read a version where they used the Greek names, not the Romans -and that rules out about half of the translations.

So here we go, let's begin with an understandable summary of Book I of the Iliad. Have you ever wonder what it was about? Then read these summaries! I'll try to make it far more amusing than it actually was.

( Sing, oh goddess, of how Achilles son of Peleus was a douchebag )