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taotrooper) wrote2010-07-02 06:50 pm
taotrooper) wrote2010-07-02 06:50 pm
The Iliad (IV)
Today it's Lapras day because I caught one and I'm happy. I really like Lapras, they're so cute! You know what else? It's Iliad day. I really mock The Iliad, it's stupid!
This one also had a lot of name-dropping, plus talking to a lot of random people. I'm not mentioning half of them in the dramatic personae list.
Achaeans
→ Agamemnon: King of Mycenae and boss of the Greek team. Douchebag.
→ Diomedes: Some general? Strong and silent.
→ Idomeneus: Some general? Like a boar.
→ Machaon: Son of Asclepius. A very good doctor if not unhealthy.
→ Menelaus: King of Spartaaaaa, Helen's husband. Currently bleeding.
→ Odysseus: King of Ithaca. Has a Marty McFly complex.
Trojans
→ Pandarus: Archer guy. Super effective, but not critical hit.
→ Apollo: Renaissance god. Fabulous cheerleader.
→ Ares: God of war. Awful cheerleader.
→ Athena: Goddess of war and wisdom. Most effective cheerleader.
→ Eris: Goddess of Discord. Keeps on trolling.
→ Hebe: Waitress goddess. Tips in Olympus aren't that good, by the way.
→ Hera: Queen of Olympus. Professional nagging wife.
→ Hermes: God of communication. Doesn't really appear in this chapter.
→ Zeus: King of Olympus. Bored out of his mind.
~*~
So you might recall that by the end of the previous chapter, I had in joke that Zeus complaining to his sons for being lame. Well, guess what. In reality, we do begin with Zeus complaining... but to the opposite team. Team Butthurt, as I call it. So Lord Thundercrotch holds a meeting with the rest of Olympus, probably not in a round table, and directs his words to his wife and daughter.
A-anyway, Zeus is annoyed by Team Butthurt for not appearing in the previous one, so he rubs Aphrodite's actions in (which *I* think they suck, but apparently I'm alone in this opinion; then again, the book can't end happily in chapter 3) to piss them off. And it works! They're biting their lips in anger as Zeus scolds them and proposes to have the Good End, aka Priam gets his city and Menelaus his wife. But since it's Team Butthurt, they both want to see Troy in pain. Athena just glares at her dad in silence because she knows better, but Hera predictably jumps in to start a very odd fight.
Hera: You're so cruel! You want my work to be in vain?! I worked up a sweat! My horses were fatigued after looking for an army against Priam! Do what you want, but the other gods do not approve.
Me: Wait, since when Hera has horses? She's a fucking goddess, why would she need them? And wasn't Menelaus the one who forced everyone to go to war, anyway?
Zeus: You bitch, what grave offense did Priam and his kids ever do to you that you want to destroy Troy so much?
Me: Um, Paris saying she was uglier than Aphrodite? Hello, apple of discord, remember?
Zeus: Maybe if you ate Priam and his children and every Trojan raw like sushi, you would be appeased.
Me: ............What.
Zeus: Do what you want, I don't want us to fight...
Me: Too late?
Zeus: But remember this. Whenever I reaaaally need to destroy a city where you have friends, don't delay my wrath and better let me do my thing. Because I'm leaving you do this one even against my soul. Troy was my favorite city ever and Priam did awesome sacrifices.
Me: He's doing guilt trip? It's Hera, I don't see this working.
Hera: Okay, my top cities are Argos, Sparta and Mycenae, so go ahead and fuck them up any time. I'm not even stopping you, it's not like I can since you're so much more powerful.
Me: ...It sucks to be favored by Hera. BTW, is the last part sarcasm or honesty?
Hera: But my work can't be wasted! I'm Cronos' child as well and your wife, meaning I have also a huge ego. So let's work together and the others will follow. Send Athena to piss them off.
Zeus: You heard the lady, Athy. Make the Trojans offend the Greeks so we have a war again.
So Athena goes and falls on Earth like a shooting star, which apparently isn't a metaphor since a few soldiers did see her landing and went "holy shit, things are getting real!". Probably at least one of them swore never to smoke pot in the battlefield again, though.
So well, even if she's the goddamn Athena (well, not damn, unless that god is Poseidon or Ares I guess) and is working on Zeus' orders, she preferred to transform into a random dude who was really badass or something, called Laodocus. Maybe she and Iris like to crossdress, and it's a hobby called mortal cosplay. So she talks to this guy called Pandarus who also looks like a god (nope, not doing that joke again). Maybe it's their way to say someone is good-looking. "God-looking," if I may.
Athena: Dude, I bet you can't shoot an arrow at Menelaus! It would be awesome and maybe that lame Paris will even pay you a lot for it if you kill him!
Pandarus: *thinks about it*
Athena: DO IT DO IT DO IT
So he takes out his bow made of horns of a mountain goat he hunted himself, because it's important we know this, and offers a good BBQ party to Apollo. Then he shoots and...
...It's super effective! Sort of, since Athena deflects it a little so it doesn't hit vital points, but the important thing is he's wounded anyway and bleeds like crazy. Agamemnon is seriously freaked out and starts rambling about what would happen if Menelaus dies and they have to leave Helen there and how unfair and so on. Menelaus calms him down and tell him it went through his belt only.
Aggy still calls their best doctor, Machaon, who incidentally is a son of Asclepius. Machaon is all "fuck yeah, I can has work! :D" and runs to check Mene. He takes out the belt and pulls out the arrow, except the feathers break. Oops! Then he takes out the chain mail, proceeds to suck the blood out of the wound, and puts on some mythical painkillers that his dad got from Chiron. I-I hope those potions can also sterilize, because it would've been funny if he got worse caused by an infection from Machaon's saliva.
But anyway, Greece wasn't a huge fan of medical drama shows -Asclepius M.D. was canceled after season two, when Zeus killed off the main character from a complaint letter by Hades. Then again, the show totally jumped the shark when Asclepius found a panacea to resurrect the dead. Apollo tried a petition to get it back on air, but since it didn't work he just went terrorist on Zeus' cyclops. Um, so, back to the bloodshed as things are going to get real. Where was I?
Ah yes, Aggy is really ticked off, just as planned. He leaves his pimp carriage in the parking lot, asks the valet not to scratch the horses, and goes on foot through the crowd to get his men ready for battle. He then goes to talk to some man called Idomeneus who's fierce like a boar and probably just as handsome. We learn he's Aggy's drinking buddy, and he suggests he talks to the rest of the homies to kill the Trojans right now.
So cheerfully he goes to talk to the Ajaxes (because we have two) and checks out on Nestor. Aggy is still a douche and right out says Nestor is an old fart even though his attitude is awesome. Nestor isn't offended and says he's doing what he can and giving advice to the young anyway. A pleased Aggy goes ahead to talk to Odysseus, who was with his men in a corner.
Aggy: Odyseus, you pussy, what are you doing when you should be all graaaah on front like the rest of us? I invite you first to my parties, you bastard.
Odyseus: WTF are you talking about? Nonsense. You'll see how much ass I'll be kicking when the battle starts!
Aggy: *realizes he inserted his foot in his mouth* ...um, LOLOL, you got angry! I totally didn't mean it, I'm sorry, I take it back. We cool? We cool. *flees*
Then he has another derp moment with a strong but silent guy called Diomedes, who was standing next to the horses. Narrator says Aggy's words "had wings", which can only mean he was seriously high on Red Bull. Or it's sarcasm, because this was the conversation:
Aggy: Dude, why are you shaking? Because YOUR DAD didn't shake like a little girl in front of the enemy, he was hardcore. Or so I've been told. Here, let me tell you the story I've heard about your dad and how awesome he was. Unlike his son. Which is you. Who's clearly inferior.
Diomedes: *is very zen* ...
Friend: Liarpants! We're lots better than our dads! We took over Thebes one day and rocked! So don't you compare us, we're just worthy or awesome!
Diomedes: ...Shush, bro. I'm not hurt. Agamemnon likes to exhort his men. His is the glory if we win. His is the sorrow if we lose. Let's just show our courage in the fight.
Do you want some aloe for the ICE BURN. If this were a manga, I suppose this would be the zen dotdotdot guy you don't want to get mad.
Anyway, it's time to battle. The troops get together, with Ares and his posse urging the Trojans and Athena urging the Greeks. Interestingly, one of the people with Ares is his sister "Strife". Mind you, is that Eris? Is that THE Eris?! Awesome, because I like the idea of her keeping on trolling.
Now the text goes on with names and names, and I'm not bothering with most. Why should I care if Jason of Doeos from Randompolis dropped dead? Are they celebrities, historical figures, the supposed ancestor of a rich dude in Athens? I have absolutely no idea. So I guess I'll skip a lot of those or we'll be here all weekend.
Okay, fine, I'll try to tell the most relevant. Greater Ajax kills this kid. Then this other guy tries to get at him, but hits one of Odysseus' pals in the groin (...ouch, worst way to die). Odysseus is really upset and throws his spear, blowing this other guy's brains out. The Trojans, including Hector, were all ashdasdhakljxv and backing out while the Greeks are looting and teabagging the corpses like usual.
Meanwhile, Apollo is looking at the fail going on from the heights of Pergamus (I had to search for this word, and it's the name of the citadel in Troy. It can also mean a guy and a Biblical country in Revelations, both of them had me stratching my head. Anyway!). Then he, several kinds of annoyed, took a megaphone--
Zeus: I SAID NO ANACHRONISMS, MORTAL!
--a megaphone, and started to give his team a peptalk, since Ares' posse wasn't probably going to help them feel less scared and all.
Apollo: Guys, listen up! Don't give in! It's not like Greeks are made of stone or steel or anything. If you prick them with something pointy, don't they bleed? Plus look at the bright side: that invincible Achilles jerk didn't come with them! Piece of cake!
Athena: Hmph, my peptalking is better than his. I can make arrows not hurting them, so there!
There were more deaths, but who cares.
Book IV
In which the gods decide to stir more shit... againThis one also had a lot of name-dropping, plus talking to a lot of random people. I'm not mentioning half of them in the dramatic personae list.
Humans
Achaeans
→ Agamemnon: King of Mycenae and boss of the Greek team. Douchebag.
→ Diomedes: Some general? Strong and silent.
→ Idomeneus: Some general? Like a boar.
→ Machaon: Son of Asclepius. A very good doctor if not unhealthy.
→ Menelaus: King of Spartaaaaa, Helen's husband. Currently bleeding.
→ Odysseus: King of Ithaca. Has a Marty McFly complex.
Trojans
→ Pandarus: Archer guy. Super effective, but not critical hit.
Gods
→ Apollo: Renaissance god. Fabulous cheerleader.
→ Ares: God of war. Awful cheerleader.
→ Athena: Goddess of war and wisdom. Most effective cheerleader.
→ Eris: Goddess of Discord. Keeps on trolling.
→ Hebe: Waitress goddess. Tips in Olympus aren't that good, by the way.
→ Hera: Queen of Olympus. Professional nagging wife.
→ Hermes: God of communication. Doesn't really appear in this chapter.
→ Zeus: King of Olympus. Bored out of his mind.
~*~
So you might recall that by the end of the previous chapter, I had in joke that Zeus complaining to his sons for being lame. Well, guess what. In reality, we do begin with Zeus complaining... but to the opposite team. Team Butthurt, as I call it. So Lord Thundercrotch holds a meeting with the rest of Olympus, probably not in a round table, and directs his words to his wife and daughter.
Zeus: So, where were you two while Aphrodite was doing her thing?
Hera: In the bathroom. How was I supposed to know she was going to do something at all?!
Zeus: ...Point, but still! And you, what's your excuse?
Athena: Nike broke up with her boyfriend, so she kept texting me--
Zeus: How does that even work, we have no phones!
Athena: Hermes comes and goes carrying a huge crystal screen, and he changes the inscriptions in it.
Hermes: *butts in* I also invented ΣΜΣ-speak and let me tell you, it's not an easy task in Ancient Greek. I'm working on attaching paintings, to be able to have ΛΩΛcats in the next upgr--
Zeus: Aaaargh! Can you two drop the anachronisms?!
Hera: In the bathroom. How was I supposed to know she was going to do something at all?!
Zeus: ...Point, but still! And you, what's your excuse?
Athena: Nike broke up with her boyfriend, so she kept texting me--
Zeus: How does that even work, we have no phones!
Athena: Hermes comes and goes carrying a huge crystal screen, and he changes the inscriptions in it.
Hermes: *butts in* I also invented ΣΜΣ-speak and let me tell you, it's not an easy task in Ancient Greek. I'm working on attaching paintings, to be able to have ΛΩΛcats in the next upgr--
Zeus: Aaaargh! Can you two drop the anachronisms?!
A-anyway, Zeus is annoyed by Team Butthurt for not appearing in the previous one, so he rubs Aphrodite's actions in (which *I* think they suck, but apparently I'm alone in this opinion; then again, the book can't end happily in chapter 3) to piss them off. And it works! They're biting their lips in anger as Zeus scolds them and proposes to have the Good End, aka Priam gets his city and Menelaus his wife. But since it's Team Butthurt, they both want to see Troy in pain. Athena just glares at her dad in silence because she knows better, but Hera predictably jumps in to start a very odd fight.
Hera: You're so cruel! You want my work to be in vain?! I worked up a sweat! My horses were fatigued after looking for an army against Priam! Do what you want, but the other gods do not approve.
Me: Wait, since when Hera has horses? She's a fucking goddess, why would she need them? And wasn't Menelaus the one who forced everyone to go to war, anyway?
Zeus: You bitch, what grave offense did Priam and his kids ever do to you that you want to destroy Troy so much?
Me: Um, Paris saying she was uglier than Aphrodite? Hello, apple of discord, remember?
Zeus: Maybe if you ate Priam and his children and every Trojan raw like sushi, you would be appeased.
Me: ............What.
Zeus: Do what you want, I don't want us to fight...
Me: Too late?
Zeus: But remember this. Whenever I reaaaally need to destroy a city where you have friends, don't delay my wrath and better let me do my thing. Because I'm leaving you do this one even against my soul. Troy was my favorite city ever and Priam did awesome sacrifices.
Me: He's doing guilt trip? It's Hera, I don't see this working.
Hera: Okay, my top cities are Argos, Sparta and Mycenae, so go ahead and fuck them up any time. I'm not even stopping you, it's not like I can since you're so much more powerful.
Me: ...It sucks to be favored by Hera. BTW, is the last part sarcasm or honesty?
Hera: But my work can't be wasted! I'm Cronos' child as well and your wife, meaning I have also a huge ego. So let's work together and the others will follow. Send Athena to piss them off.
Zeus: You heard the lady, Athy. Make the Trojans offend the Greeks so we have a war again.
So Athena goes and falls on Earth like a shooting star, which apparently isn't a metaphor since a few soldiers did see her landing and went "holy shit, things are getting real!". Probably at least one of them swore never to smoke pot in the battlefield again, though.
So well, even if she's the goddamn Athena (well, not damn, unless that god is Poseidon or Ares I guess) and is working on Zeus' orders, she preferred to transform into a random dude who was really badass or something, called Laodocus. Maybe she and Iris like to crossdress, and it's a hobby called mortal cosplay. So she talks to this guy called Pandarus who also looks like a god (nope, not doing that joke again). Maybe it's their way to say someone is good-looking. "God-looking," if I may.
Athena: Dude, I bet you can't shoot an arrow at Menelaus! It would be awesome and maybe that lame Paris will even pay you a lot for it if you kill him!
Pandarus: *thinks about it*
Athena: DO IT DO IT DO IT
So he takes out his bow made of horns of a mountain goat he hunted himself, because it's important we know this, and offers a good BBQ party to Apollo. Then he shoots and...
...It's super effective! Sort of, since Athena deflects it a little so it doesn't hit vital points, but the important thing is he's wounded anyway and bleeds like crazy. Agamemnon is seriously freaked out and starts rambling about what would happen if Menelaus dies and they have to leave Helen there and how unfair and so on. Menelaus calms him down and tell him it went through his belt only.
Aggy still calls their best doctor, Machaon, who incidentally is a son of Asclepius. Machaon is all "fuck yeah, I can has work! :D" and runs to check Mene. He takes out the belt and pulls out the arrow, except the feathers break. Oops! Then he takes out the chain mail, proceeds to suck the blood out of the wound, and puts on some mythical painkillers that his dad got from Chiron. I-I hope those potions can also sterilize, because it would've been funny if he got worse caused by an infection from Machaon's saliva.
But anyway, Greece wasn't a huge fan of medical drama shows -Asclepius M.D. was canceled after season two, when Zeus killed off the main character from a complaint letter by Hades. Then again, the show totally jumped the shark when Asclepius found a panacea to resurrect the dead. Apollo tried a petition to get it back on air, but since it didn't work he just went terrorist on Zeus' cyclops. Um, so, back to the bloodshed as things are going to get real. Where was I?
Ah yes, Aggy is really ticked off, just as planned. He leaves his pimp carriage in the parking lot, asks the valet not to scratch the horses, and goes on foot through the crowd to get his men ready for battle. He then goes to talk to some man called Idomeneus who's fierce like a boar and probably just as handsome. We learn he's Aggy's drinking buddy, and he suggests he talks to the rest of the homies to kill the Trojans right now.
So cheerfully he goes to talk to the Ajaxes (because we have two) and checks out on Nestor. Aggy is still a douche and right out says Nestor is an old fart even though his attitude is awesome. Nestor isn't offended and says he's doing what he can and giving advice to the young anyway. A pleased Aggy goes ahead to talk to Odysseus, who was with his men in a corner.
Aggy: Odyseus, you pussy, what are you doing when you should be all graaaah on front like the rest of us? I invite you first to my parties, you bastard.
Odyseus: WTF are you talking about? Nonsense. You'll see how much ass I'll be kicking when the battle starts!
Aggy: *realizes he inserted his foot in his mouth* ...um, LOLOL, you got angry! I totally didn't mean it, I'm sorry, I take it back. We cool? We cool. *flees*
Then he has another derp moment with a strong but silent guy called Diomedes, who was standing next to the horses. Narrator says Aggy's words "had wings", which can only mean he was seriously high on Red Bull. Or it's sarcasm, because this was the conversation:
Aggy: Dude, why are you shaking? Because YOUR DAD didn't shake like a little girl in front of the enemy, he was hardcore. Or so I've been told. Here, let me tell you the story I've heard about your dad and how awesome he was. Unlike his son. Which is you. Who's clearly inferior.
Diomedes: *is very zen* ...
Friend: Liarpants! We're lots better than our dads! We took over Thebes one day and rocked! So don't you compare us, we're just worthy or awesome!
Diomedes: ...Shush, bro. I'm not hurt. Agamemnon likes to exhort his men. His is the glory if we win. His is the sorrow if we lose. Let's just show our courage in the fight.
Do you want some aloe for the ICE BURN. If this were a manga, I suppose this would be the zen dotdotdot guy you don't want to get mad.
Anyway, it's time to battle. The troops get together, with Ares and his posse urging the Trojans and Athena urging the Greeks. Interestingly, one of the people with Ares is his sister "Strife". Mind you, is that Eris? Is that THE Eris?! Awesome, because I like the idea of her keeping on trolling.
Now the text goes on with names and names, and I'm not bothering with most. Why should I care if Jason of Doeos from Randompolis dropped dead? Are they celebrities, historical figures, the supposed ancestor of a rich dude in Athens? I have absolutely no idea. So I guess I'll skip a lot of those or we'll be here all weekend.
Okay, fine, I'll try to tell the most relevant. Greater Ajax kills this kid. Then this other guy tries to get at him, but hits one of Odysseus' pals in the groin (...ouch, worst way to die). Odysseus is really upset and throws his spear, blowing this other guy's brains out. The Trojans, including Hector, were all ashdasdhakljxv and backing out while the Greeks are looting and teabagging the corpses like usual.
Meanwhile, Apollo is looking at the fail going on from the heights of Pergamus (I had to search for this word, and it's the name of the citadel in Troy. It can also mean a guy and a Biblical country in Revelations, both of them had me stratching my head. Anyway!). Then he, several kinds of annoyed, took a megaphone--
Zeus: I SAID NO ANACHRONISMS, MORTAL!
--a megaphone, and started to give his team a peptalk, since Ares' posse wasn't probably going to help them feel less scared and all.
Apollo: Guys, listen up! Don't give in! It's not like Greeks are made of stone or steel or anything. If you prick them with something pointy, don't they bleed? Plus look at the bright side: that invincible Achilles jerk didn't come with them! Piece of cake!
Athena: Hmph, my peptalking is better than his. I can make arrows not hurting them, so there!
There were more deaths, but who cares.
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This is so awesome. ♥♥♥♥!
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Glad you loved the jokes ♥
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Pretty much my reaction to half the Iliad XD
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Mind you, is that Eris? Is that THE Eris?! Awesome, because I like the idea of her keeping on trolling.
This made me curious. What did she do? I know that she's a goddess of strife and like broke up this one couple, but I can't remember anything elsa about her.
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Once upon a time, a sea goddess called Thetis (who you might remember from part I) was forced to marry this mortal douchebag prince called Peleus because of this prophecy. From that union -and prophecy- we would get Achilles, but I'm getting too ahead. So she threw a big wedding party and invited a lot of big gods... yup, none of them was Eris. She was obviously offended, so she still crashed the party to, um, make it crash.
This was really easy. She put a golden apple with the words "to the prettiest (female)" on it, and stepped back to see what happens. Probably with a bucket of ambrosia-flavored popcorn. So Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite started arguing the apple should be for them. They ask Zeus to decide who should get the apple, but he's all "okay, I'm so no touching this one with a ten-foot pole", and sends Hermes to take them to this mortal kid to pick.
So they all go, and the judge is Paris, who was just working as a shepherd at the time but had experience on deciding fairly in other unrelated contest. All the goddesses try to bribe him: Hera offers to make him a king, Athena offers him wisdom, Aphrodite offers to get him to hit the best ass. So much for fair judgment. And well, you know the kind of doof this one was, so the result is obvious. The apple went to Aphrodite, which really angered Hera and Athena.
Of course, the most beautiful mortal woman at the time was Helen, wife of Menelaus and queen of Spartaaaaa. In a near future, with Aphrodite's support, Paris managed to stay in their place, seduce Helen, and run away with her to Troy when the hubby was out of town. Menelaus' reaction was to get most of the Greek territory to declare war on Troy. Ten years later, we have the events of the Iliad, and the three goddesses of the apple taking sides with the corresponding team: Hera and Athena are anti-Troy/pro-Greece in Team Butthurt, while Aphrodite is still sticking to Paris' people.
THEREFORE, KIDS, ERIS' EPIC TROLLING BROUGHT THIS WAR. TO BE CONTINUED?
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ALSO, ERIS IS NOW OFFICIALLY MY FAVORITE. TROLL ON ERIS, TROLL ON.
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Mine is Loki, but Eris is definitely the best troll in the Mediterranean side.
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ΣΜΣ-speak?!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus girl, I am in an internet cafe and I have to struggle not to fall from the chair!
And yes, Eris is the goddess of discord and disagreement. In other words, just an excuse to cover the fact that "we're men, we fight for no other reason than to see who's the bigger bugger"
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About Eris, I meant if this was the same Eris in general since apparently there were more than one version of her in mythology (just like there are at least two Eros, for instance) but I have no idea if this Eris-sister-of-Ares happens to be Eris-the-one-who's-behind-this-war. I could never figure out if Apple Malificent is the ancient daughter of Nyx or one of Ares' sisters/homies, and Homer doesn't help since he goes with his own special version of divine genealogy.
"we're men, we fight for no other reason than to see who's the bigger bugger"
I LOL'd! But yeah, all about the egos and the loot; at one point I think most of them couldn't bother to care about getting Helen back anymore...
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And that's one of the reasons why greek classical archaeology is a 4-year university science!