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taotrooper) wrote2010-05-21 12:34 am
taotrooper) wrote2010-05-21 12:34 am
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The Iliad (I)
In an act of pure masochism, I've decided to read and review Homer's magnum opus of mythological douchebaggery. I'm not unfamiliar with the Trojan war, since there's always a summary chapter in every Greek mythology book. Any time I try to read any Homeric novel/poem/thingie though, be it this one or The Odyssey, my eyes get all glossy. Nonetheless, I just found an easier translation and somehow it's more understandable than the usual wall of teal deer fancy text that makes me want to claw my pupils out. I also insisted to read a version where they used the Greek names, not the Romans -and that rules out about half of the translations.
So here we go, let's begin with an understandable summary of Book I of the Iliad. Have you ever wonder what it was about? Then read these summaries! I'll try to make it far more amusing than it actually was.
Sing, oh goddess, of how Achilles son of Peleus was a douchebag.
And so, we begin this classic of classics admitting that our hero was a bitch who brought tons of deaths over his hissy fits. Really, this is what it says (give or take some sarcasm from my part)! Sadly, we're not going to hear the beginning and reasons of the war, but we dive in Ten Years Later. Oh, and we won't get to the part with the horse who gave the name to a certain type of virus either. Nope, I suppose it's all about Achilles and king Agamemnon's cock contest and the shitstorm that came with it. Clash of the Twat-ans! Release the cranky! If this is the part the ancients thought it was the most interesting of the whole mess, then I worry for Western civilization as it's based on them. It's like a reality show with more blood and egos ...than usual, I mean.
But let us introduce our cast for this book. Please note the fail of non-divine female characters will prevail from now on. A feminist culture this was not.
Achaeans
→ Achilles: Invencible warrior with anger management issues. Douchebag.
→ Agamemnon: King of Mycenae and whiny boss of the Greek team. Douchebag.
→ Calchas: A prophet. It's a wonder he survives the book.
→ Nestor: King of Pylos. Tries to be the sensible old guy in vain.
→ Odysseus: King of Ithaca. Underused in this book.
Trojans
→ Briseis: Taken by Greeks as war spoils. Object of Achilles's lust/wrath. Dat ass.
→ Chryseis: Taken by Greeks as war spoils. Object of Agamemnon's lust. Dat ass.
→ Chryses: Trojan priest of Apollo. Concerned father of Chryseis.
→ Apollo: The renaissance god. Causes plague and/or one-man boyband pop.
→ Athena: Goddess of war and wisdom. Not so good with hissy fits.
→ Hephaestus: God of blacksmiths. Underused in this pantheon.
→ Hera: Queen of Olympus. Professional nagging wife.
→ Thetis: Goddess of seas. Most doting mother EVER.
→ Zeus: King of Olympus. Might be swayed with lapdances.
~*~
So we begin with priest Chryses coming his way to the Greek ships, willing to beg with a huge bribe in gold or something. Why? Because between the girls they kidnapped as loot, there was his daughter and he wanted her back. It was fine for everyone else, but the issue here was that Chryseis was really hot so Agamemnon picked her for him, and he wanted to continue to tap that. So the reply to his begs was a heartfelt "tits and GTFO nao" from King Douche.
The old guy obeyed without a complain, because he had someone much better to complain to anyway. And thus, Chryses prayed to his patron Apollo for vengeance against this dishonor, since he's being doing sacrifices to him since forever and it's only fair. Now, Apollo probably had no issues with the Greeks before as the Applegate was none of his business, but he's a proud guy and no one makes a priest of him cry! One of the things about Apollo that most people don't know about is that he's also a god of health (and the lack of). So his attack here is arrows o' plague.
Ten days later, there was still animals and people dying a lot. So the Greeks have a meeting and Achilles asks Agamemnon to consult a fortune-teller to solve this shit. This is one thing about ancient Greece: when in doubt, ask an oracle. It sounds silly from our time, but that's their religion. Plus, in Homer's works we assume these gods exist, so! They call Calchas, who was very good at it and their personal prophet for the trip. He says that, first of all, Achilles had to swear he'd totally defend him were he to explain the situation, because someone important was going to be so pissed at his answer. Our prophet is no fool here and knows he's doomed. Achilles was all "okay sure, even if it were Agamemnon I'll cover your back". WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW.
The solution for Calchas is to return Chryseis to his father. Immediately, Agamemnon stands up and bitches at him for always having negative predictions and therefore he sucks balls. And then he goes all "but I really wanted to take her home and she >>> my wife but FINE, I'll return her, I hope you're HAPPY." Ah, but there's a tiny detail: he's not going to be left without war spoils, so he's going to need compensation for this shit. Our leader, guys, so selfless.
Achilles is all "dude, how do we do that, we already splitted all thehos loot, we can't gather everything back and split it again. Can't we just, like, pay you the triple or quadruple when we win?" Agamemnon is all "yeah right, you don't fool me, you just don't want me to take your stuff away!" And he can totally get Achilles' booty if he wants, or Ajax's, or Odysseus', or whoever's. But nevermind that, Agamemnon wants to plan the ship to send Chryseis back. Except Achilles whines about the previous comment, because everyone is following King Douche to take revenge on Troy, so it's a jerk move to take shit from him them when Aggy (I'm getting tired of typing this name) is getting more booty than anyone else. And if they're going to be like this, being dishonored to make that guy rich, he'll take his toys and leave.
Aggy is all "well leave, you're a wanker and I never liked you anyway! Oh BTW, I just decided what I want as compensation: the chick you got, Briseis."
OH NO HE DIDN'T!
And here I make a pause to comment on something. Both maidens are described in this book as "fair-cheeked". Either the Grecoromans had an interesting fixation with female faces, or Homer meant buttcheeks. I'm sure they meant the latter and it's their elegant way to say DAT ASS. Back to the wank now.
Douche Hero is now torn. On one of his shoulders he has an angel version of himself, and in the other a demon version. Except these Judeochristian concepts don't exist in Ancient Greece, so indulge my anachronism. The "angel" tells him to control his anger (and kill him another day instead, I guess, because I doubt this dude has a conscience); the "demon" wants him to take out his sword and get on with it. Guess which one is about to win the debate.
MEANWHILE, AT OLYMPUS! Hera, who's pro-Greek, has been watching the whole meeting and she didn't approve of Achilles moping the floor with Agamemnon's corpse as she liked both bastards. So she sends Athena, also pro-Greek, to beat some sense into the kid (I was hoping literally, but alas).
So Achilles' homicidal thoughts are interrupted by Athena, who quickly pulls his hair. Hey, anyone who gives this guy physical pain is awesome in my book. Also, Achilles is apparently blond and I guess this is why they casted Brad Pitt. Anyway, no one else can see Athena, so just imagine how this conversation must've looked to anyone else in this reunion! Athena glares at him and tells him in behalf of Hera to take a chill pill.
Athena: Don't kill him. Insult him if you want, but no stabbity. If you obey us, you'll get awesome gifts in a near future.
Achilles:WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? Then I must! I'll be a good boy!
Then Achilles sheathes his sword and calls Aggy an ugly drunken coward. Staying classy! He also swears by some wooden stick that this was going to be the last offense. And they were going to be so, so, so sorry when Hector (this Trojan prince) kicked their asses and Achilles wasn't there to help. Back in Olympus, Athena's probably facepalming.
Then Nestor, a really smooth elder guy, decides to intervene. "Kids, listen to me. Back in the day I fought along this famous guy, and this other one, and they told me what an awesome, smart guy I was, and they followed my advices, and then we went to this pub in Pylos, and we played poker, I had a royal flush and won that day, and blah blah blah. tl;dr: Gotta listen to me, whippersnappers. Agamemnon, don't take the boy's ladyfriend. Achilles, stop messing with a king."
Aggy disagrees because he can't have Achilles insulting him and getting away with it, as he has no respect for authority whatsoever.
Achilles' reply is DUN WANNA. And he wants to see them try to force him to do jackshit. END OF THE MEETING.
Aggy sends Odysseus on a ship with Chryseis and orders to sacrifice some animals to Apollo. Then he sends some soldiers to get Briseis from Achilles, who was around his tent with his homies. The soldiers were about to piss their pants. Luckily for them, he was all "Oh, I see. Don't worry, I'm pissed with that evil, evil king and not you guys! Hey Patroclus, give them the chick! See how cool and collected I am! It's not like I'm the one dooming the Greek faction, unlike that idiot!" So they leave with a very annoyed Briseis, but no one cares about how women feel here anyway.
And so, as soon as they leave, Achilles does the most mature thing an adult warrior man can do:
"BAAAAAW MOMMY! THAT BULLY AGAMEMNON WAS MEAN TO MEEEEEE!!"
Normally this wouldn't work for anyone over ten years old, but his mom is Thetis. She runs to her baby as soon as she hears him cry his manly tears. Achilles tells the story to his mom, and asks her to talk to Zeus since there was this one time when she did him a favor, when he's almost kicked out of Olympus by Hera, Poseidon, and Athena (...this family, dude). Thetis is mortified by his son's bad luck and promises she'll talk to Zeus when he's back from a business trip.
Meanwhile, Odysseus gets to his destinationhe won't be so lucky in the years to come. And it was like "hey priest, here's your girl, let's have sacrifices". So happily, Chryses makes a phone call to Apollo's cellphone to tell him to cut it out because it worked. Then they go with a detailed description about how they cooked the sacrificial animals that would creep a vegetarian out. The point here is they had a party and ate BBQ and drank wine and played music and Apollo approved. END OF PESTILENCE. When they come back home, Achilles was still epically cranky and not talking to anyone.
Speaking of which, let's go twelve days later, at Olympus, when the rest of the gods were returning home. Thetis ran to Zeus, hugged his kneecaps and perhaps made a lapdance to call his attention, and was touching his beard and all. And so, the ass kissing (perhaps literally) began and she started to beg him to give favor to the Trojans to honor her stupid spoiled son.
Thetis: Pretty please?
Zeus: ...
Thetis: Is that a yes or a no?
Zeus: I'd get in trouble with my wife, and I'm already tired of her saying I favor the Trojans when she's pissed. I'll just... nod, I guess.
So he nods and goes back home. Except Hera had seen him with Thetis, because when your husband is Zeus you have to watch when he cheats on you.
Hera: So, who were you talking to? My paranoia, let me show you it.
Zeus: WTF, even if you're my wife, you can't seriously expect me to tell you everything.
Hera: You manwhore, Thetis just seduced you and gave you a lapdance and I bet you're going to help the Trojans because Achilles was pissed!!
Zeus: Whatever, you paranoid bitch. STFU or I'll choke you in front of everyone.
Hera: ... *fumes in silence*
Then Hephaestus makes a cameo to try to console his mom, which was in the lines of "just chillax, you know how he is when he gets mad, like that time he kicked me out and I fell 627374 meters a la Wily E. Coyote, so... just act cute and suck him up and you'll get to him? maybe...?" Then Hera smiled, so I guess in this version she doesn't hate her son. So the feast continued, Hephaestus served wine to everyone and people laughed at him, Apollo and the Muses provided the music; you know, typical day in Olympus and shit. The chapter ends with Zeus and Hera going to sleep. Without the latter choking the former, before you ask.
So here we go, let's begin with an understandable summary of Book I of the Iliad. Have you ever wonder what it was about? Then read these summaries! I'll try to make it far more amusing than it actually was.
Book I
About entitled kings and momma's boysSing, oh goddess, of how Achilles son of Peleus was a douchebag.
And so, we begin this classic of classics admitting that our hero was a bitch who brought tons of deaths over his hissy fits. Really, this is what it says (give or take some sarcasm from my part)! Sadly, we're not going to hear the beginning and reasons of the war, but we dive in Ten Years Later. Oh, and we won't get to the part with the horse who gave the name to a certain type of virus either. Nope, I suppose it's all about Achilles and king Agamemnon's cock contest and the shitstorm that came with it. Clash of the Twat-ans! Release the cranky! If this is the part the ancients thought it was the most interesting of the whole mess, then I worry for Western civilization as it's based on them. It's like a reality show with more blood and egos ...than usual, I mean.
But let us introduce our cast for this book. Please note the fail of non-divine female characters will prevail from now on. A feminist culture this was not.
Humans
Achaeans
→ Achilles: Invencible warrior with anger management issues. Douchebag.
→ Agamemnon: King of Mycenae and whiny boss of the Greek team. Douchebag.
→ Calchas: A prophet. It's a wonder he survives the book.
→ Nestor: King of Pylos. Tries to be the sensible old guy in vain.
→ Odysseus: King of Ithaca. Underused in this book.
Trojans
→ Briseis: Taken by Greeks as war spoils. Object of Achilles's lust/wrath. Dat ass.
→ Chryseis: Taken by Greeks as war spoils. Object of Agamemnon's lust. Dat ass.
→ Chryses: Trojan priest of Apollo. Concerned father of Chryseis.
Gods
→ Apollo: The renaissance god. Causes plague and/or one-man boyband pop.
→ Athena: Goddess of war and wisdom. Not so good with hissy fits.
→ Hephaestus: God of blacksmiths. Underused in this pantheon.
→ Hera: Queen of Olympus. Professional nagging wife.
→ Thetis: Goddess of seas. Most doting mother EVER.
→ Zeus: King of Olympus. Might be swayed with lapdances.
~*~
So we begin with priest Chryses coming his way to the Greek ships, willing to beg with a huge bribe in gold or something. Why? Because between the girls they kidnapped as loot, there was his daughter and he wanted her back. It was fine for everyone else, but the issue here was that Chryseis was really hot so Agamemnon picked her for him, and he wanted to continue to tap that. So the reply to his begs was a heartfelt "tits and GTFO nao" from King Douche.
The old guy obeyed without a complain, because he had someone much better to complain to anyway. And thus, Chryses prayed to his patron Apollo for vengeance against this dishonor, since he's being doing sacrifices to him since forever and it's only fair. Now, Apollo probably had no issues with the Greeks before as the Applegate was none of his business, but he's a proud guy and no one makes a priest of him cry! One of the things about Apollo that most people don't know about is that he's also a god of health (and the lack of). So his attack here is arrows o' plague.
Ten days later, there was still animals and people dying a lot. So the Greeks have a meeting and Achilles asks Agamemnon to consult a fortune-teller to solve this shit. This is one thing about ancient Greece: when in doubt, ask an oracle. It sounds silly from our time, but that's their religion. Plus, in Homer's works we assume these gods exist, so! They call Calchas, who was very good at it and their personal prophet for the trip. He says that, first of all, Achilles had to swear he'd totally defend him were he to explain the situation, because someone important was going to be so pissed at his answer. Our prophet is no fool here and knows he's doomed. Achilles was all "okay sure, even if it were Agamemnon I'll cover your back". WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW.
The solution for Calchas is to return Chryseis to his father. Immediately, Agamemnon stands up and bitches at him for always having negative predictions and therefore he sucks balls. And then he goes all "but I really wanted to take her home and she >>> my wife but FINE, I'll return her, I hope you're HAPPY." Ah, but there's a tiny detail: he's not going to be left without war spoils, so he's going to need compensation for this shit. Our leader, guys, so selfless.
Achilles is all "dude, how do we do that, we already splitted all the
Aggy is all "well leave, you're a wanker and I never liked you anyway! Oh BTW, I just decided what I want as compensation: the chick you got, Briseis."
OH NO HE DIDN'T!
And here I make a pause to comment on something. Both maidens are described in this book as "fair-cheeked". Either the Grecoromans had an interesting fixation with female faces, or Homer meant buttcheeks. I'm sure they meant the latter and it's their elegant way to say DAT ASS. Back to the wank now.
Douche Hero is now torn. On one of his shoulders he has an angel version of himself, and in the other a demon version. Except these Judeochristian concepts don't exist in Ancient Greece, so indulge my anachronism. The "angel" tells him to control his anger (and kill him another day instead, I guess, because I doubt this dude has a conscience); the "demon" wants him to take out his sword and get on with it. Guess which one is about to win the debate.
MEANWHILE, AT OLYMPUS! Hera, who's pro-Greek, has been watching the whole meeting and she didn't approve of Achilles moping the floor with Agamemnon's corpse as she liked both bastards. So she sends Athena, also pro-Greek, to beat some sense into the kid (I was hoping literally, but alas).
So Achilles' homicidal thoughts are interrupted by Athena, who quickly pulls his hair. Hey, anyone who gives this guy physical pain is awesome in my book. Also, Achilles is apparently blond and I guess this is why they casted Brad Pitt. Anyway, no one else can see Athena, so just imagine how this conversation must've looked to anyone else in this reunion! Athena glares at him and tells him in behalf of Hera to take a chill pill.
Athena: Don't kill him. Insult him if you want, but no stabbity. If you obey us, you'll get awesome gifts in a near future.
Achilles:
Then Achilles sheathes his sword and calls Aggy an ugly drunken coward. Staying classy! He also swears by some wooden stick that this was going to be the last offense. And they were going to be so, so, so sorry when Hector (this Trojan prince) kicked their asses and Achilles wasn't there to help. Back in Olympus, Athena's probably facepalming.
Then Nestor, a really smooth elder guy, decides to intervene. "Kids, listen to me. Back in the day I fought along this famous guy, and this other one, and they told me what an awesome, smart guy I was, and they followed my advices, and then we went to this pub in Pylos, and we played poker, I had a royal flush and won that day, and blah blah blah. tl;dr: Gotta listen to me, whippersnappers. Agamemnon, don't take the boy's ladyfriend. Achilles, stop messing with a king."
Aggy disagrees because he can't have Achilles insulting him and getting away with it, as he has no respect for authority whatsoever.
Achilles' reply is DUN WANNA. And he wants to see them try to force him to do jackshit. END OF THE MEETING.
Aggy sends Odysseus on a ship with Chryseis and orders to sacrifice some animals to Apollo. Then he sends some soldiers to get Briseis from Achilles, who was around his tent with his homies. The soldiers were about to piss their pants. Luckily for them, he was all "Oh, I see. Don't worry, I'm pissed with that evil, evil king and not you guys! Hey Patroclus, give them the chick! See how cool and collected I am! It's not like I'm the one dooming the Greek faction, unlike that idiot!" So they leave with a very annoyed Briseis, but no one cares about how women feel here anyway.
And so, as soon as they leave, Achilles does the most mature thing an adult warrior man can do:
"BAAAAAW MOMMY! THAT BULLY AGAMEMNON WAS MEAN TO MEEEEEE!!"
Normally this wouldn't work for anyone over ten years old, but his mom is Thetis. She runs to her baby as soon as she hears him cry his manly tears. Achilles tells the story to his mom, and asks her to talk to Zeus since there was this one time when she did him a favor, when he's almost kicked out of Olympus by Hera, Poseidon, and Athena (...this family, dude). Thetis is mortified by his son's bad luck and promises she'll talk to Zeus when he's back from a business trip.
Meanwhile, Odysseus gets to his destination
Speaking of which, let's go twelve days later, at Olympus, when the rest of the gods were returning home. Thetis ran to Zeus, hugged his kneecaps and perhaps made a lapdance to call his attention, and was touching his beard and all. And so, the ass kissing (perhaps literally) began and she started to beg him to give favor to the Trojans to honor her stupid spoiled son.
Thetis: Pretty please?
Zeus: ...
Thetis: Is that a yes or a no?
Zeus: I'd get in trouble with my wife, and I'm already tired of her saying I favor the Trojans when she's pissed. I'll just... nod, I guess.
So he nods and goes back home. Except Hera had seen him with Thetis, because when your husband is Zeus you have to watch when he cheats on you.
Hera: So, who were you talking to? My paranoia, let me show you it.
Zeus: WTF, even if you're my wife, you can't seriously expect me to tell you everything.
Hera: You manwhore, Thetis just seduced you and gave you a lapdance and I bet you're going to help the Trojans because Achilles was pissed!!
Zeus: Whatever, you paranoid bitch. STFU or I'll choke you in front of everyone.
Hera: ... *fumes in silence*
Then Hephaestus makes a cameo to try to console his mom, which was in the lines of "just chillax, you know how he is when he gets mad, like that time he kicked me out and I fell 627374 meters a la Wily E. Coyote, so... just act cute and suck him up and you'll get to him? maybe...?" Then Hera smiled, so I guess in this version she doesn't hate her son. So the feast continued, Hephaestus served wine to everyone and people laughed at him, Apollo and the Muses provided the music; you know, typical day in Olympus and shit. The chapter ends with Zeus and Hera going to sleep. Without the latter choking the former, before you ask.
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