Immortality of the crab
Feb. 22nd, 2010 08:01 pmThings have to change. Really, self. Let's start right here, where you spend most of your Internet time. I've had many self-confidence problems in the last few months, and that's the reason I haven't commented or posted too much lately. I feel... embarrassed, somehow, of whatever I post about: regular posts, comments in communities. This has extended to my lack of desire to do fanworks. I'm just... over there, saying nothing. Losing friends or being distant to them. I barely know most of you! I should stop thinking about the Internet in terms of 'someone who will listen to me since no one IRL does' and 'if strangers online dislike me, it's because I'm a lousy/boring human being'. We are all people with feelings and tastes! I must be myself again! I won't be embarrassed in front of you guys <3
I believe I lost my course mostly because I began fandom life focused on a main fandom and several main character. When I couldn't keep up with the suckage of it, I moved on to a related subject in the same fandom. When I realized my fics for my OTP were a bit mediocre and average at best when compared to better writers, my true writer's block started. Then canon twisted itself a lot (A LOT A LOT A LOT) and all love was lost. I have great love to many other fandoms, but my attempts to fit in were clumsy and my self-esteem suffered. In my first fandom I didn't give a damn, but now it mattered a lot. I wasn't special or good in CLAMP and FMA fandom, but somehow I had a bit of attention. When I didn't get it again, I lurked. I didn't know what to do. The saddest part is, even my flist is full of unknown faces -since I've been too scared to approach you guys- and I've started to lurk in my own journal.
I must do this well. Attention is all well, but it shouldn't be my priority online. Gotta be myself, do things for my own entertainment. If I get friends that way, that's awesome. If I get an audience, peachy keen. If no one cares about my posts or myself, then it shouldn't bother me. So, I must break the shyness and come out of my shell. Please help me ♣ I'm going to need an epic push so I can jump.
I believe I lost my course mostly because I began fandom life focused on a main fandom and several main character. When I couldn't keep up with the suckage of it, I moved on to a related subject in the same fandom. When I realized my fics for my OTP were a bit mediocre and average at best when compared to better writers, my true writer's block started. Then canon twisted itself a lot (A LOT A LOT A LOT) and all love was lost. I have great love to many other fandoms, but my attempts to fit in were clumsy and my self-esteem suffered. In my first fandom I didn't give a damn, but now it mattered a lot. I wasn't special or good in CLAMP and FMA fandom, but somehow I had a bit of attention. When I didn't get it again, I lurked. I didn't know what to do. The saddest part is, even my flist is full of unknown faces -since I've been too scared to approach you guys- and I've started to lurk in my own journal.
I must do this well. Attention is all well, but it shouldn't be my priority online. Gotta be myself, do things for my own entertainment. If I get friends that way, that's awesome. If I get an audience, peachy keen. If no one cares about my posts or myself, then it shouldn't bother me. So, I must break the shyness and come out of my shell. Please help me ♣ I'm going to need an epic push so I can jump.
